<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Cracks On My Heart by RedXD</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24487210">Cracks On My Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD'>RedXD</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hermitcraft RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bad Ending, Child Neglect, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, One-Sided Attraction, References to Drugs, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:08:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24487210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When a crack forms on your heart, it doesn't heal. It remains. And someone can only take so many cracks before they shatter.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>BdoubleO100 &amp; Keralis, Docm77 &amp; Bdoubleo100, Slight Docm77/BdoubleO100</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cracks On My Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So i have a habit of projecting my massive lows of my depression onto characters and so that's where this idea came from. It's really depressing and I apologize, i shall try to write some more fluffy content soon I swear</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He stares at the ceiling.</p>
<p>The world feels gray.</p>
<p>Why is that?</p>
<p>His comforter is soft and warm, but he chooses to lie atop the mountain of puffed warmth, letting the cool breeze from his cracked open window reach his skinny legs and arms.</p>
<p>Dark strands of hair block the tops of his vision. Not that it matters.</p>
<p>One year ago.</p>
<p>That was when he made a promise to himself.</p>
<p>The promise hasn’t left his mind since. Still, he manages to pretend. To act. He smiles around Keralis, he argues with Doc.</p>
<p>But deep down there’s a crack in his heart.</p>
<p>It started when he was 9.</p>
<p>Mother was busy. Father was gone. He was alone. The family he knew broke apart slowly as his mother found comfort in strangers and his father became an empty husk of work.</p>
<p>He had grown, alone. He felt different. All his classmates would talk about what they did with their parents the day before while he would sit there having watched a movie by himself. No parents. Sure, they were there… but they also weren’t. Not really.</p>
<p>When there’s no one around, <em>you</em> become your parent. That’s what happened to him. He had to grow up fast. And then now that he’s actually grown, he feels highs of child spirit in him and lows of a broken kid.</p>
<p>When his parents finally split at age 12, the crack appeared. An invisible knife he couldn’t see stabbed him in the chest. Instead of dying, his heart merely cracked a bit. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed.</p>
<p>At last that’s what he thought.</p>
<p>A year later, age 13, he had his first crush… on a boy. He had thought he was normal before, he liked girls. He thought they were pretty. But then he met Doc.</p>
<p>His heart swooned.</p>
<p>Everyday, he’d have lunch with Doc and his other two friends Etho and Beef. They’d talk, and when Bdubs was sure he wasn’t looking, he’d stare at Doc. It was something he didn’t even realize he did at first.</p>
<p>But then he started to realize small things. Doc’s perseverance. His tough exterior and honest truths. The way he scrunched up his face when he was trying really hard to not laugh at something.</p>
<p>Bdubs fell and he fell <em>hard</em>. He didn’t know how to feel about his crush. Not when everyday he heard people laugh at boys kissing boys and saying ‘gay’ when referring to something stupid.</p>
<p>How was he supposed to love his feelings when no one else seemed to think that they were good.</p>
<p>He never spoke a word.</p>
<p>And eventually, the end of middle school arrived. Doc was staying in the district, but Etho and Beef were going to do high school through home-school. And Bdubs… he didn’t have to leave the district, but every time he looked at Doc, his heart swelled in a weird longing pain. A feeling similar to looking at an item you really want, but can’t get.</p>
<p>So he transferred to a different district.</p>
<p>The day he started his new school and realized Doc wouldn’t be there, and that it was entirely his own doing, his heart cracked a bit more.</p>
<p>High School was gray. He didn’t really notice much. Everyday that passed, he slowly fell deeper and deeper into an emotionless insanity.</p>
<p>He’d wake up and go through the day, but his mind would be stuck in an ocean. Waves would crash above, but he wouldn’t notice them because he’d be farther down. He’d watch the fish interact and have fun. He’d watch them be happy, something he was losing. He couldn’t talk to the fish, they didn’t know he existed.</p>
<p>Small cracks grew on his heart. Crack. Crack. Crack.</p>
<p>No friends, alone, forgotten. He forgot himself too. His grades were average, bad, he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember anything from those days except crying till he couldn’t and sleeping a lot. Just a foggy sadness and nothingness.</p>
<p>Halfway through sophomore year, he met a new student. Keralis. He was nice and they got along well.</p>
<p>His gray world became a bit more saturated.</p>
<p>Every time he felt sad, he’d go to Keralis. He spent constant time with Keralis, managing to heighten his grades and shove down his sadness and emptiness.</p>
<p>Keralis was his friend.</p>
<p>Then he was his drug.</p>
<p>Bdubs became dependent. He’d feed off Keralis’s high saturation to brighten his own world. Instead of being a teenager that did cocaine or marijuana or smoked, he spent his time with Keralis. It didn’t matter what they did, as long as Keralis was with him, he could swallow down his gray world in favor of the bright, lovely bliss that he got from Keralis.</p>
<p>The best kind of drug isn’t always visible.</p>
<p>Addicted in the worst of ways, Keralis became upset with him, reasonably so.</p>
<p>Keralis would leave him alone certain days when he needed space. Bdubs would let him, but every single time he was alone, he felt himself fall back into the dark ocean from before. He’d choke, trying to swim towards the surface, towards some ounce of color, but he’d find nothing.</p>
<p>Withdrawal is never easy. But for Bdubs, it felt like he was slowly dying. He couldn’t pay attention, he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t be <em>alone.</em></p>
<p>Then Keralis introduced him to Grian and Scar.</p>
<p>He still had the pains of withdrawal, but he managed with a new, small obsession. He’d crave the attention, the <em>friendship</em> from any of his three friends.</p>
<p>It was more and more of an issue until he finally became too addicted and had an overdose. Keralis yelled… he probably yelled too. Grian and Scar sat there, silently worried, but in the same boat as Keralis.</p>
<p>The yelling grew louder and louder until Bdubs finally cracked. He started going crazy. His mind went dark and he couldn’t breathe. His lungs screamed. Keralis got scared and concerned and confused. Scar suggested the school nurse and at the thought of being judged and looked over, Bdubs ran.</p>
<p>There were two weeks left till graduation, and he avoided his three friends like the plague. It was the opposite of what he had been doing. He just couldn’t let them know. He didn’t want them to know that he was an addict. So he suffered through withdrawal again.</p>
<p>Everyday, he fell further and further into the darkness of the ocean. Less and less fish, more and more nothingness. His world drained again.</p>
<p>Crack. Crack. Crack.</p>
<p>Graduation came and he smiled. His grandparents showed up. They smiled. His dad and his father’s new wife showed up. They smiled too.</p>
<p>None of the smiles were real and if they were, Bdubs didn’t think they were.</p>
<p>His graduation was dull and blank as he tried to breathe, trying to pretend that when his name was called, that Keralis, Scar, and Grian didn’t glance at him in concern. When it finally ended, he went to the bathroom and puked. He broke, the damn of pent up emptiness overwhelmed him and he stayed in the stall.</p>
<p>He texted his father saying that he was going out with friends.</p>
<p>It was only when the janitor found him 4 hours later that he left.</p>
<p>Crack. Crack. Crack.</p>
<p>Bdubs went to college. One week into his ‘college life,’ he got a call. His mother had overdosed too. But it wasn’t on friends. It was on something much more <em>real</em>.</p>
<p>The funeral was as gray as his world.</p>
<p>He sat in front of his mother’s dead body and promised himself:</p>
<p>
  <em>I will join you. I will let go and drown.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Soon. One day.</em>
</p>
<p>A year, he decided to give himself a year to complete a checklist of anything he felt was important before he left. Before he drowned.</p>
<p>Oddly enough, a month after the funeral, he found a familiar face. Walking into one of his classes, he was met with Doc.</p>
<p>It had been years since he’d had to deal with his old feelings, but like a fire, it crackled and flew, only growing back from the small sizzles it had been.</p>
<p>He thought he could have the friendship he used to have… but Doc didn’t think the same way.</p>
<p>They argued. They fought. Doc wasn’t over Bdubs abandoning him for no reason. Or at least he didn’t know the reason.</p>
<p>Crack. Crack.</p>
<p>Doc hated him. Doc didn’t like him. But Bdubs still loved him.</p>
<p>Etho and Beef were at the school too. And his high school drugs were there too. All the people he both loved and didn’t want to see were suddenly everywhere. He couldn’t avoid any of them.</p>
<p>Bdubs told himself it’d be fine. He zipped up his plans and feelings. He shoved it all in a small bag and hid it under his bed. He wore a mask and glued paper over the cracks on his heart.</p>
<p>Pretending became easier and easier. He kept track of the days, knowing that soon he’d be closer and closer.</p>
<p>And now.</p>
<p>He peels off the glue and papers. He burns the mask. He unzips the bag.</p>
<p>Some say that drowning is a horrible thing.</p>
<p>Sure, it isn’t a good thing.</p>
<p>But it isn’t always horrible. He feels some weird sense of relief.</p>
<p>Like maybe he won’t spend thirty minutes trying to get out of bed every morning. If he drowns, he won’t feel so empty.</p>
<p>He won’t have to worry about being unable to focus, because he won’t have to focus on anything.</p>
<p>Fear isn’t in him. He’s not afraid.</p>
<p>Bdubs doesn’t want to drown.</p>
<p>But if drowning is what will get rid of these cracks on his heart, then he’ll drown.</p>
<p>He grabs the razor blade and walks into his bathroom.</p>
<p>Not bothering to turn the lights on, he wanders over to the shower. Reaching out, he turns on the water, letting it be the coldest possible. He doesn’t bother shrugging off his clothes, it won’t really matter.</p>
<p>Before stepping inside, he shakily grabs the crumpled up note in his pocket. He doesn’t quite know where to place it, so he just leaves it on the counter.</p>
<p>Then he enters his shower and relaxes as the freezing water beats down at his head. He rolls up his sleeve.</p>
<p>His arm is empty and clean, but he’ll have to ruin his skin. He isn’t a fan of blood, but he has no better idea.</p>
<p>Bdubs cuts.</p>
<p>His heart cracks in half.</p>
<p>And the water covers him as he takes his final breath.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>